Category Archives: Jokes

The Purina Diet

Artist: Dan Collins
Artist: Dan Collins

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I’m retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won’t let me shop there anymore.

I cannot trace this joke back further than 2008 when it was sent as email to Chris Pietschmann.

Westerley Church: WC

Toilet tile designed by O Street Studio

A newly married couple were looking for a home in the country and after finding one that was suitable returned home. The young wife after reaching home happened to thing that she had not noticed a water closet in the place and decided to write the owner about it. Being very modest she hesitated to spell out the words “water closet” in her letter so referred to it as W.C. The owner did not readily understand what she meant and after pondering a while decided she meant Westerly Church and answered:

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter and take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house and is capable of seating 1450 people.

This is very fortunate especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

But it will interest you that many people bring their lunch
and make a day of it while others who cannot spare the time go via auto and arrive just in time but generally are in too big a hurry to wait, that is if the place is crowded.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and we had to stand all the time. You may also be interested to know that it was planned to hold a bazaar to provide plush seats for the W.C. as they have for a long time been wanted. I might state that it pains us very much to be unable to go quite frequently. It is surely through no lack of desire but as we grow older it seems more of an effort particularly in the cold.

Very truly yours

The Owner


Source: Keystone Folklore Quarterly, Vol. 17, 1972.

There are many variations of this story. Origins might be a television show with Jack Parr in the 1960’s.

Don’t Fart in Bed (2002)

https://i0.wp.com/cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0032/7882/products/fart_1024x1024.jpg
“Farting in bed” by Matthew Inman (theoatmeal.com)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

http://www.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=009kNX

Toasters

At Clipart Pal
At Clipart Pal

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore. Beau Hartenstine

Hostile radar equipment (1995)

Tornado - for joke about speeding ticket

Top this for a speeding ticket…

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1.

One of the officers (who are not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. The machine then stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

The radar had in fact locked onto a NATO Tornado fighter jet over the North Sea, which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked onto your ‘hostile radar equipment’ and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder Air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before the missile was launched”.

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/techno/radar.asp

Church bulletins (do not know origin)

Church blooper

  1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

  3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

  4. Our youth basketball team in back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

  6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

  8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

  9. Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

  10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

  14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

  15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

  16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  21. The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

  22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

  25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

  26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  27. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

  29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

  33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

  34. Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”

Dear Miriam, (May 2007) http://www.viz.co.uk

Rock group U2 femulating for the One video, 1991; Photographer, David Wojnarowicz
Rock group U2 femulating for the One video, 1991;
From femulate.org; photographer, David Wojnarowicz

Dear Miriam,

The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn’t gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn’t find any of his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him it had to stop, I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six month ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasingly distant, and I don’t feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help?

Mrs. B., Essex

Miriam says…

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.

MIRIAMS ADVICE LINES 0898 100 —
Engine misfires& husband addicted to porn -01
vehicle pulls to side & I think son is gay-02
vaginal dryness& judder as clutch engaged -03


May 2007 issue of Viz Magasine https://www.flickr.com/photos/anjin/850672738/


The process of getting ready to post this funny is a typical example of how my asperger mind works (that means that I am only speaking for myself and not claiming to be typical of all aspergers).

  1. After learning a little about copyrighting and all of that stuff, a great need has risen in me to find the original source of material.
  2. With my funnies I try to look for pictures that will illustrate the subject. In the case of Dear Miriam I was taken on a journey of discovery.
  3. Hilarious discussions of the correctness of the advice. Did Miriam really know what she was talking about when it came to car problems? There are some funny people out there.
  4. Then a more serious side appeared, one that U2 illustrate. Men in women’s clothing. I realized I still a a ways to go in understanding the complexity of boy/girl roles and what we find acceptable in each other.
  5. So, what was only a funny to begin with has become (for me) something that represents a deeper and much fought over issue in society.