A satirical look at belief by one of my friends

• Lyrics by Owyn Bradford
• Melody: “Count your many blessings” (LDS Hymn: #252)

1) “If you want earrings count ’em one, two three,
if you want to wear no skivvies just like me,
if you want to drink a beer when the day is hot,
then a Godforsaken Mormon is what you are not.”

Chorus:

Count the restrictions, what you cannot do,
worse than a baconburger if you are a Jew,
give your money, do your tasks, wear a suit and tie,
or in the outer darkness you are gonna cry.

2) Don’t touch your little factory, don’t you date a black,
or from the good ol’ bishie you will take some flak,
Shouldn’t show your shoulders or go in the lake –
that’s the devil’s hangout, for goodness’ sake!

Chorus:

3) Funeral potatoes, oh my heck,
all that flippin’ stuff makes my hips a wreck!
Fast Sunday makes me hungry but what is worse
is kiddie testimonies, oh what a curse!

Chorus:

4) They stammer and they lisp that the chuwch is two
but it sure don’t cut the ice with me or you.
If you’ve had it up to here and “Enough!” you say,
than write that flippin’ letter and do it today!

Chorus:

5) They take our hard earned cash and they build a mall,
but if we are in need, who’re we to call?
There’s money for investments and for the Brethren too,
but there is nothing but frustration for me and you!

Chorus:

6) Count your aggravations, count them one by one,
then pack your bag, my friend, and prepare…to…run!
Count your aggravations, count them one by one,
then pack your bag, my friend, and prepare…to…run!