Tag Archives: #Jokes

Right-hand steering

Image result for french gendarme breathalyser driver
Copied from AA Car News

True story reported by an British guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.

The British guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a fart…

The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the British guy replies;

‘Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter’s wedding, and as I don’t like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.’

‘Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)… a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)…a Faugeres.’

‘Then to finish off during the celebrations…. and (hic) during the
evening …me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker’s black label.’

Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; ‘Do you understand I’m a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test’? The Brit, with a grin on his face, replies; ‘Do you understand that I’m British, like my car, which is right-hand-drive, and that my wife is actually sitting in the other seat, which is the one behind the steering wheel?’

Although I can neither confirm nor disawow this story, such right-hand/left-hand steering confusions are not uncommon.

Don’t Fart in Bed (2002)

https://i0.wp.com/cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0032/7882/products/fart_1024x1024.jpg
“Farting in bed” by Matthew Inman (theoatmeal.com)
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep,she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

http://www.greenspun.com/bboard/q-and-a-fetch-msg.tcl?msg_id=009kNX

Church bulletins (do not know origin)

Church blooper

  1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

  2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

  3. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

  4. Our youth basketball team in back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

  5. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

  6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

  7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

  8. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.

  9. Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

  10. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

  11. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

  12. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

  13. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.

  14. During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J. F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

  15. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy.”

  16. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

  17. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

  18. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

  19. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

  20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

  21. The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

  22. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

  23. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

  24. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

  25. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.

  26. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

  27. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

  28. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. The pastor would appreciated it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

  29. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

  30. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

  31. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

  32. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

  33. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”

  34. Our next song is “Angels We Have Heard Get High.”